We're lucky to live about 20 minutes away from Shakespeare Santa Cruz, a wonderful theater that does two or three Shakespeare plays each summer, plus something else they usually throw in to the mix. This Thursday, in one of those outreach programs theaters do, they're coming over the hill to son's middle school and giving a condensed performance of A Midsummer Night's Dream. (Seems like everybody Shakespeare is doing Midsummer-I have a theory that this is tied to the economy; they're doing the plays that will get the most people feeling comfortable with Will!).
Anyway...son was supposed to read over/learn a synopsis of the play so he'd know the story when he went to the play/condensed version. Being who he is, he read it, got it, and then decided to fill up time/paper with his own creation.
I give you an even MORE condensed version of A Midsummer Night's Dream, in what he swears is called a Comic Nonalogue.
LYSANDER: I love Hermia.
HERMIA'S DAD: You're a son of a biscuit.
HERMIA: Let's run away.
TITANIA: I like the changeling.
OBERON: Too bad. Puck, dose him.
PUCK: Oops, Bottom's an ass. (Drip.) Ok, your wife loves a donkey.
DEMETRIUS: Hey, Helena. Let's find the two lovers.
OBERON: I feel sorry for Helena. Dose her boyfriend.
PUCK: Sure thing! Now who does she love? Oh, well...oops.
THESEUS: Hippolyta, I almost killed you, let's get married.
LYSANDER: Well, even though I loved Hermia so much we ran away for no reason, I now love Helena.
OBERON: If you want anything done in this play, you've got to do it yourself.
DEMITRIUS: Hey, now I love Helena, too.
HELENA: Oh, both of you, shut up.
OBERON: That's enough. I'll magically make everyone happy...except Hermia's dad, who I'll forget about completely.
SNOUT: I am a wall.
This is the original. Of course, when he went to type it into his blog, that dratted internal editor took over, and he made changes. You can see the current version here.